Relationships are difficult!
I know, big revelation, huh? The problem is that we constantly need to be reminded of this. With work, kids, activities the kids are involved with, their school, and yard work, it is easy to neglect the maintenance of a relationship. All relationships and marriages meet different stages. Years may go by when everything seems fine and near perfect.
Then the excrement hits the fan! Something happens that disrupts the present and threatens the future. Problems like drugs, alcohol, infidelity, or money issues arise and create friction that drives a wedge between spouses. It would seem as there is a clear answer to correct the problem, such as counseling, and intervention, or program that can resolve the issue.
Most men like simple answers like that. To view one partner as being the problem and focus on them as a way to return to life as normal. In cases where the cause of friction is less clear, many guys take on the onus of having to change. This is part of the willingness to accept culpability men possess that I previously discussed. Again, it simplifies things, and the “be a man” course creators who are prominent online and on social media know this too well.
As we should know by now, nothing is as simple as it may appear. Multiple variables go into creating a situation, and it is often the case where variables interact with each other. It gets sticky to pull apart the problem. What the “be a man” course sellers neglect or minimize is the fact that a relationship experiences changes in two people over the course of time. They are right in that a guy can improve in some ways, but does that satiate the partner? Did the partner not change as well? Those changes are handled differently on an individual basis.
Take the midlife crisis (MLC), for example. When we think of a midlife crisis, the slightly over-the-hill greying and falling-out-of-shape guy comes to mind. His desire for a new sports car and a tattoo (kind of true, by the way) is a stereotype that is frequently referenced as a joke. The MLC is a tag that is typically pinned on men but is just as prevalent in women. There are fewer, if any, jokes that relate MLC to women, but there should not be because MLC can be no joke.
MLC is known to cause some depression and poor decision-making. In some cases, however, these can result in destructive behaviors that ruin relationships. Some suffering a MLC turn to attacking their spouse by claiming to have “fallen out of love,” have an affair, becoming cruel by making claims to attack their character, re-writing the history of the relationship, and even complete abandonment. A complete change in brain chemistry occurs that can last for an unspecified period of time and makes them incapable of logically discussing the state of the relationship.
Similar problems can be seen in the changes in hormones we experience over time. Speaking for myself, I experienced a period where I fell into repeated depressive states and became lethargic. It was completely maddening. As demonized as testosterone is in media and academic circles (humanities and social sciences), it is extremely important! I found this out only a short time ago as I began taking supplements to increase testosterone production naturally. I am not entering a bodybuilding competition anytime soon, so no need for exogenous sources.
What a difference! I felt more positive and driven. The struggles of moving in and out of overwhelming states of being alright and completely depressed within a matter of minutes had gone away. That “evil” hormone that we are told men have too much of anyway played an important role in my mental and physical health. I am sure I was no fun to live with and must have impacted those around me. Luckily, I made that change. No wonder Frank Thomas winked when selling that supplement on television!
Similar shifts occur in women. I recently watched this clip from an interview Jordan Peterson had with Sarah Hill and was shocked by the impact coming off hormonal birth control had on relationships. It is worth a watch! In short, the change that occurs when women stop taking hormonal birth control impacts the attraction they have to their spouse that they have been with while regularly being on it. Things are going fine, then all a sudden they want out and be with Grizzly Adams.
I wonder how the “be a man” merchants handle this? The guy did not become “less of a man,” but just encountered a situation where the partner changed. If we are to agree with the narrative of “well, you just have to learn to fit the cookie-cutter masculine mold if you want to get her back,” then it is doing so in the hope that you can make a sudden change in who you from your decades of life experience.
It is like a quarterback needing to call an audible because they encountered an unexpected defensive formation. They just hope the play they shifted to works.
Some situations are out of your control. As much as we like to think taking on all the responsibility and blame places us in a position where we can change things, it is almost arrogant to believe so.
So let them tell you to “man up” all they like, but good luck taking on the compounds behind it all.
